8th of May 2015

This was written a week ago, at the point my inner thoughts started to bubble over and spread:

You were conceived on May the 4^th, 2015 (May the force by with you!). By the light of a epic full moon, so bright it made the normally pitch black bedroom glow, so massive its presence dominated the night sky.

I hope this means you’ll stay with me. The loss of your siblings breaks my heart more and more each day.

I decided to start writing to my unborn children from the moment of conception, as I wish I had of done for my son. A journal for him to read when he's older. To know your life right from that first spark of creation.

The problem with that is, unlike some lucky souls who get up the duff easily and then continue to full term to have a happy healthy baby.... I have recurrent loss. So while the idea of a journal from the beginning is nice, it will undoubtedly leave many, many unfinished stories.

Fast forward to now.... I usually get a positive pregnancy test 10 days after ovulation. They are all (I've done 7 so far) starkly white. No second line. No matter how much I will it to be there.

This is good, you shouldn't get pregnant right after a D&C. You run the risk of not having enough of a lining in the uterus to sustain a viable pregnancy.

Still. I long for that second line. My chest feels that much heavier.

Currently CD38/10DPO and just wish the next 9 days would hurry up. Back to square one.