and the Paranoia starts to seep in

Scan Update

Third scan came back with a fetal pole measuring 23mm, 9w. Heart still beating.

I should of been 9w1d, so measuring 1 day behind. Is this the divine intervention I've been hoping for? It seems to good to be true..

Going by that growth I am 9w6d weeks today (instead of 10w).

I was reasonably happy after that scan, a week ago.

Now the paranoia is starting to seep in. I've felt bubbles and pops the last few days, but I felt them in my last pregnancy before baby died. The constant nausea (which is the worst it's been since my first MMC) is starting to wear off during the day and is now only bad at night time. Does that mean my baby has died, or it's just getting better because everything is working as intended.

I desperately want to get the Harmony blood test done, as I wish I had of done it with all my previous pregnancies. It would of given me more closure knowing one way or the other if there was anything to be found in my babies chromosomes. Unfortunately, this test is not yet funded in NZ and costs $675. There is no chance I can afford that. Sometimes I wish I had started one of those give a little or fund me pages a long time ago. My husband is a very private man however, and proud. We are not poor, I guess we are an average working class middle income family, we don't need anything. But we certainly cannot afford anything extra.

Trying to explain why a blood test that cannot essentially change the outcome of anything is such a big deal to me is hard. I do not think anyone who has not experienced multiple loss has the capacity to understand. I'm not even sure my husband understands. The depth of my grief is a bottomless void, nothing will ever fill it, but as many answers that I can gather sure help alleviate the pain.

My next scan is in 7 days.

Currently CD71 / 56DPO

New Years Resolution #2 - Rheumatologist

A few posts back I mentioned I had two New Years resolutions.

The first sorting out my infertility problem after the D&C in April 2015.

The second was to look after my health and see a specialist regarding all my symptoms compiled.

I have for a long time thought something was up with my immune system, but before actively trying to get pregnant never bothered to look into it further. Now with having a son who I want to see grow up and be in his life for as long as I can, it's important to me that I make sure I'm around.

So I googled the best rheumatologists in the Wellington region, emailed both private hospitals that came back with good references and booked myself in with the one who didn't need a GP referral. Self referral is the best thing since sliced bread. Even though that douche GP in December 2015 said he'd refer me if I wrote the referral myself... what's the point if I can just skip out the middle man!

I booked in, sent through all my latest blood test results and a list of body complaints. I saw Dr Andrew Harrison, very professional and lovely Dr. He has a long waiting list, always a good sign. He went over my history, my results and symptoms and evaluated he could draw no conclusion without further testing. He suspects APS/Hughes (I know I already suspect and have blood results for that, but I'd really like a specialist to say one way or the other before I commit myself to that diagnosis) and/or Lupus.

Interesting.

I had more blood tests to check my liver, kidney and other blot clotting/inflammation tests that I haven't previously had done. Still waiting on those results. My follow up appointment is mid-May.

Update on Pregnancy Scans

My second scan came back with a fetal pole measuring 11mm, 7w. Heart still beating.

I should of been 7w4d, so measuring 4 days behind at that point.

Going by that growth I am 8 weeks today (instead of 8w4d).

The next 10 days will be crucial. My babies normally pass away between growth showing of 8w4d and 9w3d.

Currently CD61 / 46DPO