Dreams

A long time ago (well, it was about 2 years ago), I had a dream that I was giving birth in the spring/summer, in a birthing pool in a garage. The sun was high in the sky, it was quite warm (must of been over 22 degrees celsius for me to think it was warm) and dry and peaceful.

I take my vivid dreams quite seriously, and this one confused me. As I was currently pregnant, due in autumn when it is quite cold where I live and we didn't have a garage. I was hoping to have a water birth though and we had purchased our own water birth pool. (Didn't get that water birth, but that's another story.)

Fast track to now, we live in a different town, where the summers are quite hot. We have a garage! and the layout/feel of everything seems the same as it did in my dream.

When I had my last two missed miscarriages I still held onto hope that I'd be having a baby this coming summer and it would play out as my dream suggested. Well now my hope has been dashed as I'm still not pregnant and the window for a baby next summer has past.

The thing I hate about dreams is you get absolutely no context of when they are actually going to happen. There is no timeline.

For instance, I knew from the moment I looked into my husbands eyes that we were going to spend our lives together. So when it all turned to custard 2 years into our relationship I was beyond devastated. I lost faith in myself and all things I believed to be true. But then we got back together a year later after we had both grown up a bit.

So, now I still trust in what I see. I just had to learn the hard way that there is always a path to get to that destination and it may just be a hard road.

CD72 / 13?DPO

Despondent

Feeling despondent. CD70 / 10?DPO BFN

No summer baby for us.

Had bloods taken on the 3rd of June for routine recurrent miscarriage tests and also karyotyping. Still waiting on karyotype results.

Here's what I could make sense of from the nurse:

HbA1c: result: 35
Thyroid Panel: result: OK
Lupus Anticoagulant Antibodies: result: Normal, 1.8 ratio
Anticardiolipin Antibodies: result: negative
ANCA Antibodies: result: not detected
INR: result: 1.1, normal range
ANA: result: Positive
ENA: result: Negative
anti-dsDNA: result: less than 10

A +ANA tells me nothing. Perfectly healthy people can have a positive result and also carry pregnancies to term.

I must have PMS because today is hard.

Junk Free June

I thought about doing Junk Free June, actually my interpretation of this was, I will do a cycle of no sugar or processed food.... as soon as my cycle resets.

Cycle Day 60 and counting.

33 days after my body ovulated with no subsequent menstruation, it appears it has decided to ovulate again. Which would be a normal time frame/cycle of days between ovulation for me. Not normal without a period however.

And so....

You were conceived on Friday, the 5th of June. The full moon was two nights ago, although it still appears so behind the stormy dark clouds. You could be a summer baby. As I am obsessed with patterns and sets in life, I love this idea. We have an Autumn, Winter and Spring, you would complete us. Please; do.