Empty

So this is what it feels like to try and not succeed at falling pregnant. Five times I could have fallen pregnant since my D&C on the 7th of April. Nothing, not even a CP or EM.

I well know the heartbreak of losing pregnancies. Now life has decided to show me the pain of not being able to conceive.

WTF did you do to my uterus that has screwed up my body so much.

Why do I always have to have the shit outcome for all my medical dealings.

It's 7 months since I've been pregnant. That's the longest I've gone since 2012. I feel empty.

CD26 / 11DPO BFN

Oh to be a SAHM

Some days, most days, I just want to quit my job and go be with my son. Raise him myself, instead of trusting him to others.

But then, you know, we'd lose our house. Life would be hard. I wouldn't be setting him up for a better life. We wouldn't have a warm, dry home that greatly contributes to a healthy child.

It would be so nice to win Lotto.

Currently CD22 / 7DPO

Hughes Syndrome / APS

Haven't updated for over 2 months.

Life seems to be going so slow and yet so fast.

Outcome of my last obstetric appointment was Dr Cook agreed with my notes and the plan is I take 75 mg of Aspirin daily, indefinitely and get pregnant. Well, when he asked if I have any problems getting pregnant I said I don't, only keeping the pregnancies and sustaining their growth. So he only prescribed me 3 months supply. You can buy it over the counter in the chemist though, so no big deal.

I've ovulated 7 times since my D&C in April. I am assuming there wasn't enough lining for a pregnancy the first 2 times. We managed to avoid 2 cycles at my choice before my last appointment. My loving husband was away for ovulation in October, although I was ever so hoping his sperm would survive 4 days and get me pregnant anyway - hey it's happened to me before. But no, no BFP.

Anyway, it was nice finally having a Dr on my side and listening to what I had to say. Even if I did only see him for 10 minutes (he had twins to deliver).

These are the results I showed him:

02-Aug-2013	Antinuclear Antibody (ANA)	Pos 1:160 A ANA Pattern: Speckled
03-Jun-2015	Antinuclear Antibody (ANA)	Pos 1:320 ANA Pattern: Speckled
02-Aug-2013	Lupus Anticoag DRVVT	41.0 sec (32-47) No lupus anticoagulant detected.
03-Jun-2015	Lupus Anticoag DRVVT	LUPUS APTT: 36.1 sec (22-41) DRVVT Screen: 1.6 DRVVT Final Ration: 1.8[**]

02-Aug-2013

PTT

33.2 sec (23-31) A APTT borderline

---

[**] In general, a ratio of greater than 1.2 is considered a positive result and implies that the patient may have antiphospholipid antibodies.

These results are so hard to actually find definite answers for. I would like to see Rheumatologist and will ask for a referral when I get pregnant again.

I am not satisfied with only having care while pregnant, I want to see someone who can advise me for the rest of my life.

Did I ever say what the results mean? I can't remember. Hughes Syndrome / APS - which makes a lot of sense for me because I have all the symptoms I just never connected the dots.

Anyway, I have hope for an August baby, so here we go....

You were conceived on Monday, the 9th of November. It has been a beautiful week full of summer sun. You could be a winter baby, like your father. Your due date would be the 1st of August 2016. Your sun sign would be Leo, this makes me happy as your older brother is an Aries and your great grandparents (on Nann's side) who I loved dearly were an Aries and Leo.

I saw a chiropractor for the first time ever Thursday just gone, I have had back pain since my son's pregnancy and birth. It was amazing and I am sure has helped my cycle greatly already.

Currently CD17 / 2DPO

Feeling Hopeful

11 days, 11 days to go.

Until next appointment.

Feeling hopeful, please don't crush my hope >.<

Currently CD3. 3rd cycle of 3 to avoid.

So much in my head, so little time to write

Can never remember how much I actually write down.

Things get repeated over and over again in my head, I get sick to death of myself!

Counting down the weeks/days until my next OB/GYN appointment with Dr David Cook. 3 weeks/4 days.

Cannot wait for my repeat blood tests. Worried that I'll come up negative, even though I've tested positive twice previously.

Wondering if the Dr will even bother with the blood tests and just diagnose me anyway; considering my history. However my luck with doctors and doing the right thing by me has been very slim, so not expecting any miracles.

Also wondering, when I get diagnosed and start treatment will I start to feel like a new person? I think in general terms, I am a happy person who tries to think positive and that tomorrow will always be a better day (Thanks Grandma, RIP <3), so I've always ignored what looks like common symptoms of having an immune disorder. I am often fatigued, I get sore joints with the feeling of the flu virus - especially my legs if I stand for more than an hour, I have the highly irritable red butterfly across my cheeks/nose/forehead, dry skin, gritty irritable eyes, I am very sensitive to caffeine which apparently makes all of these things worse and I get sick very easily if I am exposed to many people - like public transport and after invasive surgery I now know I take extra extra long to heal which is a very painful and drawn out business. My body just over reacts to everything! Having lived like this all my life, will I be in for a shock at how good one can feel physically? One can only hope.

Imagine how bad I could of been if I wasn't already a reasonably healthy eater and weight. But then if I was I may have been treated earlier.... what ifs and could have beens do no one any good.

Currently CD21 / 3DPO. 2nd cycle of 3 to avoid.

Progress

I have progress on my blood test results, which I'll elaborate at a later date.

I got my period! YAY FINALLY. So no scary asherman's syndrome for me, seriously had me wondering there after my body clearly cycling but not ever bleeding. The full cycle lasted 76 days.

I need to have more bloods done to confirm some positive results from my last batch (and a batch I had done in 2013 that I wasn't aware of). There needs to be 12 weeks between the tests, so that will be the 26th of August. I have an appointment September the 3rd so I'll just wait until then.

We will be avoiding conception until that date as well, as getting pregnant means a high probably of miscarriage until I get treatment. You don't get diagnosed and prescribed treatment without the second blood test.

Amazingly on the first cycle I avoid conception I ovulate on CD15! CRAZY! I am a regular CD17 if not later and this is the first time I've ever seen it that early. Before you say not trying means no stress, even when we weren't trying I would still ovulate later. My positive OPK was CD14, unheard of! So that was exciting.

I'm a bit broken at the moment. Too many things colliding in my head. Too much to even write down.

Currently CD22 / 7DPO. 1st cycle of 3 to avoid.

Dreams

A long time ago (well, it was about 2 years ago), I had a dream that I was giving birth in the spring/summer, in a birthing pool in a garage. The sun was high in the sky, it was quite warm (must of been over 22 degrees celsius for me to think it was warm) and dry and peaceful.

I take my vivid dreams quite seriously, and this one confused me. As I was currently pregnant, due in autumn when it is quite cold where I live and we didn't have a garage. I was hoping to have a water birth though and we had purchased our own water birth pool. (Didn't get that water birth, but that's another story.)

Fast track to now, we live in a different town, where the summers are quite hot. We have a garage! and the layout/feel of everything seems the same as it did in my dream.

When I had my last two missed miscarriages I still held onto hope that I'd be having a baby this coming summer and it would play out as my dream suggested. Well now my hope has been dashed as I'm still not pregnant and the window for a baby next summer has past.

The thing I hate about dreams is you get absolutely no context of when they are actually going to happen. There is no timeline.

For instance, I knew from the moment I looked into my husbands eyes that we were going to spend our lives together. So when it all turned to custard 2 years into our relationship I was beyond devastated. I lost faith in myself and all things I believed to be true. But then we got back together a year later after we had both grown up a bit.

So, now I still trust in what I see. I just had to learn the hard way that there is always a path to get to that destination and it may just be a hard road.

CD72 / 13?DPO

Despondent

Feeling despondent. CD70 / 10?DPO BFN

No summer baby for us.

Had bloods taken on the 3rd of June for routine recurrent miscarriage tests and also karyotyping. Still waiting on karyotype results.

Here's what I could make sense of from the nurse:

HbA1c: result: 35
Thyroid Panel: result: OK
Lupus Anticoagulant Antibodies: result: Normal, 1.8 ratio
Anticardiolipin Antibodies: result: negative
ANCA Antibodies: result: not detected
INR: result: 1.1, normal range
ANA: result: Positive
ENA: result: Negative
anti-dsDNA: result: less than 10

A +ANA tells me nothing. Perfectly healthy people can have a positive result and also carry pregnancies to term.

I must have PMS because today is hard.

Junk Free June

I thought about doing Junk Free June, actually my interpretation of this was, I will do a cycle of no sugar or processed food.... as soon as my cycle resets.

Cycle Day 60 and counting.

33 days after my body ovulated with no subsequent menstruation, it appears it has decided to ovulate again. Which would be a normal time frame/cycle of days between ovulation for me. Not normal without a period however.

And so....

You were conceived on Friday, the 5th of June. The full moon was two nights ago, although it still appears so behind the stormy dark clouds. You could be a summer baby. As I am obsessed with patterns and sets in life, I love this idea. We have an Autumn, Winter and Spring, you would complete us. Please; do.

Spring Bunnies

Plenty of pregnancy announcements popping up at the moment.

All I see is my name missing from the June and October 2015 lists.

Pregnancy loss leaves an emptiness that can never be filled.

Fertility Friend removed my ovulation cross hairs. My cycle still hasn't restarted. I am not pregnant, confirmed with multiple pregnancy tests. Despite having an LH Surge, temperature rise and other signs pointing to ovulation, it must not of happened? CD51 and counting.

8th of May 2015

This was written a week ago, at the point my inner thoughts started to bubble over and spread:

You were conceived on May the 4^th, 2015 (May the force by with you!). By the light of a epic full moon, so bright it made the normally pitch black bedroom glow, so massive its presence dominated the night sky.

I hope this means you’ll stay with me. The loss of your siblings breaks my heart more and more each day.

I decided to start writing to my unborn children from the moment of conception, as I wish I had of done for my son. A journal for him to read when he's older. To know your life right from that first spark of creation.

The problem with that is, unlike some lucky souls who get up the duff easily and then continue to full term to have a happy healthy baby.... I have recurrent loss. So while the idea of a journal from the beginning is nice, it will undoubtedly leave many, many unfinished stories.

Fast forward to now.... I usually get a positive pregnancy test 10 days after ovulation. They are all (I've done 7 so far) starkly white. No second line. No matter how much I will it to be there.

This is good, you shouldn't get pregnant right after a D&C. You run the risk of not having enough of a lining in the uterus to sustain a viable pregnancy.

Still. I long for that second line. My chest feels that much heavier.

Currently CD38/10DPO and just wish the next 9 days would hurry up. Back to square one.

Hello World

It's a long time since I wrote my thoughts anywhere.

Over 10 years in fact.

The turmoil of my thoughts now lead me here, in the hope that writing them down will put them to rest.