and the Paranoia starts to seep in

Scan Update

Third scan came back with a fetal pole measuring 23mm, 9w. Heart still beating.

I should of been 9w1d, so measuring 1 day behind. Is this the divine intervention I've been hoping for? It seems to good to be true..

Going by that growth I am 9w6d weeks today (instead of 10w).

I was reasonably happy after that scan, a week ago.

Now the paranoia is starting to seep in. I've felt bubbles and pops the last few days, but I felt them in my last pregnancy before baby died. The constant nausea (which is the worst it's been since my first MMC) is starting to wear off during the day and is now only bad at night time. Does that mean my baby has died, or it's just getting better because everything is working as intended.

I desperately want to get the Harmony blood test done, as I wish I had of done it with all my previous pregnancies. It would of given me more closure knowing one way or the other if there was anything to be found in my babies chromosomes. Unfortunately, this test is not yet funded in NZ and costs $675. There is no chance I can afford that. Sometimes I wish I had started one of those give a little or fund me pages a long time ago. My husband is a very private man however, and proud. We are not poor, I guess we are an average working class middle income family, we don't need anything. But we certainly cannot afford anything extra.

Trying to explain why a blood test that cannot essentially change the outcome of anything is such a big deal to me is hard. I do not think anyone who has not experienced multiple loss has the capacity to understand. I'm not even sure my husband understands. The depth of my grief is a bottomless void, nothing will ever fill it, but as many answers that I can gather sure help alleviate the pain.

My next scan is in 7 days.

Currently CD71 / 56DPO